There are all those “what to expect books” and I’m sure there are tons of books on miscarriage, but this seems fitting too.
1) You may still feel pregnant. Your body may take weeks before the pregnancy hormone is depleted. So your symptoms, that one time were the greatest reassurance, are now constant reminders of your loss.
2) It physically hurts. Upon
googling researching women have described miscarriage cramps as bad, sometimes worse then labor pains. I can say that while I have never given birth, my cramps tend to ebb and flow. They will be so painful I can’t really focus on anything else for 1-2 minutes, then subside for five to ten. When reading about how women relate their pain to labor, the women who said it was worse, had an emotional aspect. When you are laboring, it is for your baby, which may make the pain more bearable. When you are miscarrying, there is no baby shaped silver lining.
3) You will bleed. You will bleed for an undetermined amount of time. Sometimes only a couple of days, maybe a week, maybe longer. Your doctor will tell you more specifically what to be alarmed by. In addition to that, no tampons…as if this experience couldn’t get any worse..
4) Emotional pain is real. You lost a family member. No matter how far along you were, whether it was a surprise, planned, or miracle pregnancy. You need to allow your emotions to manifest. Don’t bottle them up, the pain you feel is real.
5) It’s ok to be sad. Every time I have spoken to someone about our baby, I tell them that it is ok for me to be sad. I think this is my way of implying don’t try and downplay this situation and make me feel like I need to get over it.
6) Don’t rush your healing. People have said to just try again, but sometimes it isn’t that simple. First of all, conceiving another child doesn’t replace the one we lost. He is already in heaven waiting for us and we will be reunited. Secondly, to conceive our baby I was on clomid which does crazy crazy things to my emotions. In addition to that, trying for 14 months wears down your emotional strength as well. And now we’ve lost our baby. Immediately trying again might now be the best thing for me emotional well being.
7) Cling hard to your faith. In these times of hurt, it would be easy to turn away from God. It held me to remind myself that this loss of our first baby is going to be part of our story. I don’t know why, but there is some bigger picture happening. Our baby was just too special for earth.
8)Cling hard to your marriage. I tend to distance myself when I am in extreme pain, but through this whole process, I have been extra clingy with Joseph. We’re talking on the phone more while he is at work. Texting more, meeting for lunch more. When he gets home we spend more time together. And I don’t feel alone. In addition to helping me, I know he is hurting as well, and while it has been tempting to close myself off, he has needs while he is grieving, and part of what we both signed up for in this marriage, is putting those needs above our own. And I can tell you that while focusing on meeting his needs, mine some how end up being met as well. Marriage is all about serving.
9) If you need help, get it. Whether this is the felt of a friend, licensed professional, pastor, or whomever. If your emotions are too much for you to handle, reach out for help.