Monthly Archives: August 2013

Not saving.

Our first married Easter, Joseph got me two yards of gorgeous fabrics. We had walked through JoAnn fabrics a dozen times and everytime I would stop and look at the fabrics. At that point in my life I was making diaper bags for friends and such. So when Joseph purchased me these fabrics, I immediately thought I would save them until we had a baby and then I would make myself a diaper bag from them. They are gorgeous and happy, and perfect for a diaper bag. Today I decided I am no longer saving them. So I busted them out, found a tutorial and started sewing.

 

I don’t know what I am going to do with it, but I really like it.

We are one.

Husband and wife, we are one. There is no separate entity. Joseph bring this up when I’m feeling guilty. When I’m feeling like I’m the reason we are childless. When it seems like its my body who can’t conceive a child, and my body who can’t carry a child. He says, there is no you, we are one. There is no differentiation between the two of us.

 

He truly is the greatest husband I could ever ask for.

Being intentional.

With my lack of employment currently, I am taking this time to be more intentional and focused on my relationships. Being a great wife, sister and friend. Today it was hard.

My sister has this boy she need to get over (for the last 2 years) and still won’t get over.

I watched my friends kids today bc she had a meeting at work. Her oldest pointed to a bottle of ginger ale and said “This makes mommy’s tummy feel better. Her tummy has been hurting because there is a baby in there.”

I took my friend who just had a baby dinner, I was suppose to last week, but it was the day I found out I miscarried, so my dear friend Amy took over that day. I thought it’d be fine today. But after the babysitting, it wasn’t good.

The hardest part of my friend being pregnant was hearing her due date. April 17th. Ours was the 19th. Upset doesn’t begin to describe what I’m feeling.

Its hard to stay motivated to be a great wife, sister and friend on a day like today.

Productivity

It has not been that long since our loss, I’m just wondering when I am going to feel like being productive again. I am not working currently, Joseph and I have discussed doing something with my etsy store, but even something less monetarily productive, ya know, like not watching greys anatomy all day, when is that desire going to come? My cooking has increased this weekend, but what about budgeting? Have mentioned I’m not working? So our old budget doesn’t quite cut it anymore. I just feel like there are all these things that I should be doing, but my motivation is gone.

1 week

It’s been 1 week since we suspected we were losing our baby. I am still upset and emotional. But mainly I’m scared. I am scared that even if we manage to get pregnant again, we’ll lose it again. I’m afraid that if I don’t get pregnant again, the disappointment will be too great. I’m afraid that I am not strong enough for this journey. Which then brings on guilt. I just want to be able to conceive and carry a child, and for some reason, I haven’t been able to do that in 14 months. I feel guilty, I feel responsible for our lack of child.

What to Expect, When you’re not expecting anymore…

There are all those “what to expect books” and I’m sure there are tons of books on miscarriage, but this seems fitting too.

1) You may still feel pregnant. Your body may take weeks before the pregnancy hormone is depleted. So your symptoms, that one time were the greatest reassurance, are now constant reminders of your loss.

2) It physically hurts. Upon googling researching women have described miscarriage cramps as bad, sometimes worse then labor pains. I can say that while I have never given birth, my cramps tend to ebb and flow. They will be so painful I can’t really focus on anything else for 1-2 minutes, then subside for five to ten. When reading about how women relate their pain to labor, the women who said it was worse, had an emotional aspect. When you are laboring, it is for your baby, which may make the pain more bearable. When you are miscarrying, there is no baby shaped silver lining.

3) You will bleed. You will bleed for an undetermined amount of time. Sometimes only a couple of days, maybe a week, maybe longer. Your doctor will tell you more specifically what to be alarmed by. In addition to that, no tampons…as if this experience couldn’t get any worse..

4) Emotional pain is real. You lost a family member. No matter how far along you were, whether it was a surprise, planned, or miracle pregnancy. You need to allow your emotions to manifest. Don’t bottle them up, the pain you feel is real.

5) It’s ok to be sad. Every time I have spoken to someone about our baby, I tell them that it is ok for me to be sad. I think this is my way of implying don’t try and downplay this situation and make me feel like I need to get over it.

6) Don’t rush your healing. People have said to just try again, but sometimes it isn’t that simple. First of all, conceiving another child doesn’t replace the one we lost. He is already in heaven waiting for us and we will be reunited. Secondly, to conceive our baby I was on clomid which does crazy crazy things to my emotions. In addition to that, trying for 14 months wears down your emotional strength as well. And now we’ve lost our baby. Immediately trying again might now be the best thing for me emotional well being.

7) Cling hard to your faith. In these times of hurt, it would be easy to turn away from God. It held me to remind myself that this loss of our first baby is going to be part of our story. I don’t know why, but there is some bigger picture happening. Our baby was just too special for earth.

8)Cling hard to your marriage. I tend to distance myself when I am in extreme pain, but through this whole process, I have been extra clingy with Joseph. We’re talking on the phone more while he is at work. Texting more, meeting for lunch more. When he gets home we spend more time together. And I don’t feel alone. In addition to helping me, I know he is hurting as well, and while it has been tempting to close myself off, he has needs while he is grieving, and part of what we both signed up for in this marriage, is putting those needs above our own. And I can tell you that while focusing on meeting his needs, mine some how end up being met as well. Marriage is all about serving.

9) If you need help, get it. Whether this is the felt of a friend, licensed professional, pastor, or whomever. If your emotions are too much for you to handle, reach out for help.

Telling the parentals.

We hadn’t told our parents we were expecting. If we were doing this over again, I would don’t know that I would do it any differently. Joseph and I loved having our little baby be our little secret. Joseph is the youngest of 7, and I am the middle of 5. All but one of Joseph’s siblings are married, we have almost 12 nieces and nephews on his side. My brother and sister have serious relationships, and nobody in my family is good at keeping secrets. So if we told our family, that is 36 people, who we have to keep quiet until we are ready to tell. That is quite a bit. However, it has been very difficult to tell our parents that “WeHadABaby ButWeLostIt” (ya know like that commercial “Bob WeHadABabyItsABoy”) And we pretty much have wanted to tell them just like that. Via text would have been preferable. I know that seems insensitive, but it is really difficult. I called my mom after the appt on Wednesday. And cried to her. Joseph told his dad over the phone yesterday. He was fine until he had to say “we lost it.” His mom called me today and we both cried together. I saw Amy today and we cried together. Joseph dad called him and they talked. My dad called me last night but I missed the call.

Joseph and I have great parents, but honestly, sometime talking about it sucks. Sometimes I just want to pretend this whole things didn’t happen. A lot of times, I want to pretend this whole thing didn’t happen.

It happened. Confident in His perfect timing.