Jealousy.

Warning: this post is very candid, it is not meant to come off bitchy or snarky or petty, it is just how I feel.

I greatly appreciate people telling me, before they make up their full production, in person that they are with child. I know that sometimes I might not handle it how they want me to handle it, but I am trying. Deep in my heart I am excited and thankful for their baby and pray fervently that they have a wonderful healthy complication free pregnancy.

But I’m jealous. Not of their baby. Or their due date. Or their family. Or really their life. I am jealous of their fertility. The ability to “not really try” and get pregnant. Meanwhile I have been busting my butt for the last 16 months, only to be rewarded with a baby, then to lose it.

I have spoken to a few friends who I have specifically asked to being praying hard for me right now. Its hard to hear a friend say “I’m pregnant, and due April XXth.” Well, my baby was due two after yours, or one before yours. Now I don’t have that baby. And with all my heart I want that baby. I can’t have him, I know he is waiting for me, being rocked by some sweet angel in heaven. So, if I can’t have him, can I get a little fertility thrown my direction?

I am jealous of the fertiles.

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4 thoughts on “Jealousy.

  1. This is a completely normal feeling with a loss and infertility. It’s like I could have written this post myself. Every word. Every time I see a pregnant woman or one with a newborn, I think to myself, “Does she even know how lucky she is?” It’s tough. Really tough. And this feeling is horrible, but we cannot help this feeling or we certainly would.

  2. Oh, I know just how you feel. And I will admittedly say, though it pains me to be honest about it, that I have cried on more than one pregnancy announcement. And this was before my loss. This was when I was praying so desperately that God would put it upon my husband’s heart to give me another child. I prayed for that for six years, so seeing other pregnant women was so hard on me. It is still hard, especially now that I had a child and then lost it. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. Sending you some great big hugs.

    MEL @thereisahigherhope.blogspot.com

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