Monthly Archives: October 2013

Emotionals.

Warning: I am on day 2 of 100 mg clomid.

1. Today I subbed for fourth grade at a small private school that my dear friends mom works at. She came up with her precious son who’s a little over a year old. She brought him up in his costume. And she peeks in the classroom and I can see the slightest baby bump. If you didn’t know, you wouldn’t know, but I know. I know that if I hadn’t lost my baby I’d have that exact same slight baby bump. Her baby is due 1 day after mine was. And she’ll have hers in 24 short weeks, and mine is a lifetime away.

2. My other dear friend sent me the sweetest email. Just a quick note

Hey Tor!  I thought you might enjoy this blog post. It touched me and I wanted to share. 🙂 Love you and miss you!
http://lettersfromaramblingmomma.wordpress.com/2013/10/30/wonderfully-made/

I read and sobbed. She put into words what I haven’t been able to. It also touched me that my sweet friend, who has never had a loss(and I pray never experiences one.) recognizes this pain. My baby was real, I am a mother, I just have to be at peace knowing my baby is waiting for his mommy and daddy to meet him in heaven.

3. Adoption is hard! I would love to adopt a baby tomorrow. Financially we are not in a position to adopt, yet. But even if we were, we don’t meet most countries eligibility guidelines. Ya know, you have to be over 30, or married for 10 years, some countries is 35 year olds (That’s ten more years.) But what kills me is those countries where you have to be 30+ you can have up to three divorces per spouse…wait…what?! Over 30+ but unable to carry on a stable relationship. I don’t condone divorce, but one? Okay, still adopt. THREE? Clearly you have some relationship issues. And Joseph and I are sitting here, and I know many other couples are in the same place as us, in a happy, committed, monogamous relationship for the last 7 years, married for the last 3.5. We are going to do foster care, we just can’t start that until February, and I’ve got the baby bug.

Off days.

Joseph and I have off days. These are days that neither of us is meshing with the other. It usually starts small, but ends in the evening with both of us in a terrible mood. Sometimes we can pull out some laughing when laying in bed, and end the night on a good note. Sometimes if just ends in a blah place. By no means are we angry, we’re just off. Tonight is one of those days, and I’m not even on clomood yet.

Creative me.

I love making baby gifts. but every time I make baby gifts, I want to make stuff for my baby. Then I remember I don’t have one, and I’m not currently expecting one. I use to think it would freak Joseph out if I was making clothes and accessories for our future child. Now it just seems like I’m counting my chickens before they hatch. I’m not guaranteed a baby, and if feels like if I was to make something it would b taking that baby for granted. Which is something I will never do now. So I’ll keep my baby makings for friends/relative expecting.

Don’t worry, I have several ideas I refuse to make for anyone because I want my baby to have it and not theirs. Hopefully not too much longer, but will I ever get to the point that I am counting on a baby? I feel like I will always have reservations. It will have taken us so long to conceive, then with our prior loss, will I ever be able to plan for a baby?

Just a producer of follicles

That’s me. If you recall I had 14 follicles on my left ovary, and 22 on my right. I don’t really have irregular cycles, so I didn’t meet that criteria. So Dr. Archer tested my testosterone levels and thyroid. Both normal. So I don’t have PCOS, I don’t have a thyroid issue. I’m just really good at producing lots of follicles, but really suck at getting pregnant. So I guess we fall now into the unexplained category. And all the momentum I had just an hour ago is gone. I feel doomed.

Will start clomid Wednesday. Estrogen patches Sunday. Ultrasound Wednesday November 6th.

cd1

Here we go baby Michels! Here we go!

Yes, I am chanting for my baby. Lol. The witch showed mid morning today, which I new she would show, but this is the “latest” I’ve ever been and not had a positive pregnancy test, so I was beginning to wonder. It had been 5 days since I had tested on a dollar tree test. So there was an ever so small seedling of doubt. But it was confirmed this morning. Not pregnant. So I literally got back from the bathroom and called my RE, I’m ready to do this. I need to get my script for the other half of my clomid(I still had 1 50mg dose left over from my ob.) I also want to clarify a lot.

I believe it goes like this:

Clomid cd3-7

Estrogen patches cd8-?

Ultrasound for follie check cd 8-12

Ovulating HOPEFULLY cd13 or 14. (she had mentioned something about a trigger, but I’m not sure what.)

Progesterone o-14dpo

I ordered a slew of wondfo OPKS and HPTs today, so hopefully they get here soon. I honestly will probably start POAS at like 8 dpo. mainly bc I have 20 wondfos…I’m so excited!

Needy

I get needy sometime. Needy to the point that Joseph can’t hold me enough. To the point that I don’t want to be in a different room than him. To the point that even in the same room he has to be within an arms reach of me. these needy periods last about four days or so and happen a a couple times a year. Its when, for no reason I can vocalize, I am emotionally fragile and need comfort. These times I also usually do alot of harry potter watching, and holding hands as I fall asleep. It makes working unbearable BC I’m not with him. I usually text an unacceptable amount during these times as well. I am needy right now. And I am so thankful for a husband who understands that I’m not upset about something in particular, I’m just needy. So thankful Joseph is so understanding on these weird moments.

Not pregnant.

I am not pregnant according to the five tests I have taken, including a stark white frer. I haven’t taken any today 12 dpo, but I stopped progesterone, and hoping aunt flow shows Sunday. Then I’ll start clomid Tuesday october 29 go in for a scan between November 6-8. Hopefully ovulate between November 8 and 14, and be all sorts of pregnant by thanksgiving. Announce at Christmas.

When we plan, God laughs. So who really knows.

Stopping

So Joseph mentioned stopping trying yesterday. Not now, but we have already discussed that we are not really willing to do anything other than clomid/femara. And we have 4 cycles left of clomid. So after that Joseph said he’s probably done. I think that is going to be a difficult time for me. I don’t think I’m against it. I just think that it will be difficult. That will be 22 months TTC. Yes, it is in the future. Yes, I am very confident we will get pregnant in the next 4 months. But I also am confident that if we are not pregnant by then, our family will be already waiting for us.

Weird sort of acceptance going on with me right now.