Monthly Archives: January 2014

Going all in.

That’s what we’re going to do. This will be our final hurrah of baby making for at least the next ten months. So with that being said, I’m going to do every* supplement, exercise program, diet, herb, tea, old wives tale, etc that is said to help ones fertility. So throw them at me ladies!

Anything you use, or have ever wanted to use, let me know!


*every, not really, but many. I will already be on Femara, so I will not add any other natural remedies that are thought to induce ovulation, I also won’t be doing anything I’ve read about can make your cycle wonky, so I’m not going completely crazy, but more crazy than ever before.

Rainbow family

As I was driving home, listening to worship music, I saw a rainbow. I starting crying. Sobbing tears of joy. Because I know we are going through this devastating, terrible, nightmare of a storm trying to conceive. But I also now, the storm will end, and we will have our rainbow. Which doesn’t belittle the struggle and pain we have gone through, it just proves that despite all the pain, beautiful good things can happen and will happen for us.

I am confident Joseph and I will have several kids. Larger than the average American family. I am confident we will love all of our kids the same, no matter how they came into this world. I am eager to have a child in my arms to love and to hold. And I know we will have some kiddos this year.

The storm isn’t over, but our rainbows are on their way.

Pride and finances

Anyone who has even thought of (and therefore googled) adoption, domestic, or international, can atest to the sticker shock. Being completely truthful here, this is probably 3rd on the list of reasons why we are fostering first.

Anytime I get excited about adoption, the reality of the cost comes back to me. So today, one of the main things I was asking about at the adoption fair was how to afford adoption. There are many grants available, which take time, but are totally worth it. A few are straight up grants, others are matching grants which will match dollar for dollar up to some arbitrary limit. Some are based on income, some are essay contests, so are based on other criteria. Some of these have the criteria that you can not be funding any infertility treatment whilst pursuing adoption.

Then, they are quick to say loans. Many agencies actually offer 0% interest rate loans for the tax credit. Joseph and I are anti-loan. Just on principle. We believe that if we are bringing a child home, we want the home life(spiritual, relational, and financial) to be as stable as possible. Meaning we will not take on anymore debt in order to bring home our baby. We also will not bring home baby until we are debt free.

Then they rave about the tax credit. Joseph has researched that tax credit fairly thoroughly. The current tax credit is $13,190 for 2014. But, from our understanding, this tax credit is nonrefundable, and only counts towards a liability. So the only way we would be able to claim this full tax credit, is if we OWED $13,190 in taxes. So we would have to with an accountant to make this work for us.

Employer benefits, Joseph’s company has $5000 in adoption assistance, toward qualified expenses. This is a great blessing, which hopefully we will be able to take advantage of.

Domestic adoption is approximately $30,000, where as international varies from country to country, I’m thinking it’d be more like $40-45,000.

Other ways to raise funds include…fund raising/donations. Honestly, I have mixed feeling about this. And I’m not sure why. I would gladly(and have) donated for a couples adoption fund. But it feels weird to me to ask for money. It’s definitely a pride thing. I have spoken to some of my friends about this, and they said they don’t think it is weird. But it just feels uncomfortable. I do think I like the idea of making some. I am a very crafty person, and I feel confident I could make something(I have a great idea) and sell it as a donation to raise money for our future adoption.

This is all a ways away. We are going to fill our another application for our agency of choosing, and give updated information(ya know, since August) but I don’t anticipate us pursuing it until we are at least out of debt. But I am trying to think of ways and things we could do to raise funds. Maybe closer to the time, I’ll post some ideas and get some feedback.

It was NBD.

Yesterday I subbed at the small private school I sub at the most. I had planning last so I went and hung out with my kindergarten teacher friends. And the topic of children came up. I told them we were hopefully going to have some foster kiddos in our house within the next six months. And the aid, who I don’t know super well, asked if we could have our own kids. And I just said “Well we are going through unexplained infertility, so it can happen, but it isn’t guaranteed that it will.” And that was it. I’m sure she made some comment afterwards, but it wasn’t anything noteworthily rude, or insensitive. I was matter of fact with her, and she didn’t annoyingly offer advice, tips, or try to relate but end up lessening my struggle. If I had to sum our conversation up in one word, it would be amiable.

This is not ok

The past four nights I have woken up between 2:30 and 4 am. I lay in bed for thirty minutes and can’t fall back asleep. I usually can’t fall back asleep because my throat is killing me, or I can’t breathe out of my nose. So I usually grab my pillows and head out to the couch to put on a Harry Potter. Usually I’ll fall asleep after 30 minutes to an hour, but if I’m not focus on something else(a movie, book on tape, etc) I’ll stay awake saying “Victoria, GO TO SLEEP!” over and over again. Then I worry that I’m keeping Joseph away with my nose clicks*, even though he assures me I’m not. Last night I fell asleep, breathing through both nostrils. My throat didn’t hurt too bad, I thought for sure I would be able to stay in bed all night. then 3:30 comes around and my throat hurts so bad, I’m confident its bleeding. Of course it’s not. I tried to sleep through it until 4:20, at which point I decided I need to make one of those vinegar throat healing drinks if I ever wanted to sleep. But naturally, I made it too hot, so then I got on my computer. Sixteen minutes later, I still have about half left. I need to get off here, chug this drink, and get back to my warm bed with my sweet hubby. For the first time in days.


*Nose clicks, do you all get these? It’s like when one of my nostrils is stuffed, and the other one isn’t, at some point they’ll switch, and the stuffy one clicks. I think its actually like my sinus relieving pressure, but I’m confident it sounds like clock ticking it so loud.

Four days away

I am four days away from being done with medicated cycles. An naturally, since this cycle is looking like a BFN, I just want to keep trying with meds. Actually, that’s not entirely true. I want to know why we aren’t conceiving. I want a reason. I want to run every test there is. I don’t want to waste anymore time or money until we know what the issue is, and how to fix it.