Well, I know I haven’t been super vocal about it, but AF was due on Sunday, and she didn’t show. I had tested Sunday with a FRER and it was a BFN, so I knew it was only a matter of time. But I have to admit, Monday came and went without ANY sign of her. Then Tuesday. And today, I was going to buy another FRER after work, but right before the boys woke up from nap, I went to the bathroom and there she was. UGH!
In my mind I KNEW that I wasn’t pregnant(three FRER’s told me so on 13dpo, 14dpo, and 16dpo.) But nonetheless, this morning I was googling “first bfp on 19dpo?” Her being late just allowed a little bit of hope to creep in. A little bit of miracle thinking to take root in my mind. I firmly believe that if God wanted to give Joseph and I a child, it could happen at anytime. It could be a late implanter, or an early implanter. Or an “I didn’t even think I had ovulated” situation. God is powerful. So I there was a small part of me that was hoping God was preforming a miracle. He very well may be, but this month wasn’t our month.
In other great news, we bought our cribs!!!!!!!!!! They should get here Monday and I can hardly wait! The only things we are REQUIRED to have is a bed/child, a carseat(but there is a window of time, you don’t need one before) and a place for clothing. So pretty much, besides the fact that we haven’t completed the homestudy(BUT WE’VE SCHEDULED IT FOR MARCH SIXTH!) we are ready.
I do need bottles though, and a couple more pair of pajamas, and then I’m good.
In other depressing news, I need a new car.
So I came across these in HomeGoods today and I couldn’t resist. Seriously, I saw them, and before I looked at the price, they were in my cart. I love them. I think my nursery is evolving a bit. I love the giraffe elephants, and I think that is going to be a common theme throughout, but I have no idea what the end result is going to be.
I invented a new iced adult beverage. I call it fireballmilk.
Fireballmilk: 1 pt fireball whiskey, 3 pts unsweetened vanilla almond milk.pour over ice and enjoy!
But it’s very nice. Very very nice.
I had some pink tinged CM tonight which means AF will be her tomorrow! yay! I am really looking forward to putting this whole process behind me. I’m not quite sure why. It still is painful to think that I’m not pregnant, and very likely will not be pregnant within the next 10 months. But I’m excited to get a bit of my life back. I’m excited to regain control of my emotions. I’m excited to start crossfit with Joseph(my RE didn’t want me trying it on ovulation stimulation drugs because if I had a lot of eggs, it puts me at an increased chance for twisted ovary.) I’m excited to book our trip to MEXICO for this summer. I’m excited to get some foster kiddos.
I’m so looking forward to fostering its perhaps a bit unreasonable. I know that foster care is supposed to be temporary, and there is a 75% chance every child we have in our home will go leave. But being able to love on a child, no matter how long, will be an improvement. PLUS…25% chance that baby stays with me.(if you recall, unexplained infertility gives you like a 2% unmedicated) that’s a huge improvement. I know there will be plenty of heart break in this journey as well. Probably compounded because I will love these kiddos so much, and then lose them, AND I’ll continue to not be pregnant.But I feel like the joy and happiness will much outweigh the sadness.
My friend who fosters, said she’d be surprised if our house wasn’t open and full of kiddos by the end of April! Holy cow! that’s like two months away! I’m overwhelmed and excited! I have lots to do.
We are likely going to schedule our first home consult for March 4th or 6th, depending on Joseph’s work situation. Our last class is this Saturday. Bring on the children!
I can’t say thank you enough.
Friday was rough. It was 6 months since our confirmed miscarriage. It was the end of our 21st FAILED cycle. And I was down(as I’m fairly certain was evident from my post.)
I had a super intense cry. A great holding time with Joseph. Woke up Saturday with swollen eyes from crying to a new day. We will have our family.
I have been crampy all day.
That’s me right now. Infertility wins.
I’m not pregnant, I don’t think I will ever be pregnant, and I don’t believe I can ever be pregnant.
Because I’m broken. And I don’t know what to do.
So I did a vlog of my kiddo haul today. I just wanted to give yall a run down of what all we have for our kiddo.
We decided it was important to have one pair of clothes and a couple pairs of pajamas for every age range that we could possible get. Which are: New born, 3mo, 6mo, 9mo, 12mo, 18mo, 2T, and 3T. So I went to target today and purchased all the sets of clothes. For each age I purchased a girl outfit, and a boy outfit, and socks. We will need to get some shoes for the older sizes. I already had pajamas for nb-9months, so we still need to get some pajamas. At my mother suggestion, I purchased those shoe box sized sterilite containers and put them all away by size. I still need to wash them(in dreft I guess.)
So I have to immensely apologize for posting the last post about a million times. I posted it using the windows phone app that I just downloaded, and it doesn’t give you a confirmation of posting. So I just sat there and hit submit about 100 times. I also hae about 15 drafts that you all didn’t see. So sorry for my technology fail. It won’t happen again!
I was hopeful this month. Despite only having one egg. I was put on metformin, which I hoped beyond all hope would do the trick. I feel pregnant, as in I can feel my uterus. Alas, my womb is babyless.
So what am I doing now? I’ve lost all motivation to work on our kiddo room. So instead I am researching computer engineering jobs in other countries(that speak English) and hoping Joseph will say we should up and move. This is about 70% joking, but 30% serious. I’m not sure why, I just know right here, where we are is painful for me everyday. So I’d like to escape.
In shorter, less drastic, terms of escape, I think we have decided to go on a nice allinclusive vacation this summer. Its been 20 months since we’ve been on a vacation, and we’ve been on this stupid infertility ride for 21 months. So its looking like the first couple of week in July we’re going. We haven’t booked, we’re pricing it out, but we need this.