Monthly Archives: November 2015


this is a fairly anonymous blog, so I’m going to talk money. Joe makes good money. On paper, it should be easy for us to afford things. In reality, our spending has kinda gotten out of control. Staying at home makes me want to go out and spend money, alot. We’re also in need of at least one car, with the other one not far behind. And I want to finish our basement, and go to Disney world in the next couple of months. Last month we spent more money than we brought in. This month, I think we saved $200. Before we had Calvin we would spend $750 a month. Since our spending has gotten out of control, we’ve been taking out $900 cash and still spending some(quite a bit) on our debit cards. Well I freaked out, and started looking at houses BC i feel like we don’t have any money. We do. We do. We just need to adjust out lifestyle. So we’re doing that. We’re taking out only $590 this month and going to try it. It’ll work out to be this, assuming four weeks in a month.

$60/week for groceries ($240)

$10/week for J spend ($40)

$15/week for my spend ($60)

$20/week for dates ($80)

$30/month for toiletries

$40/month for Calvin needs

with a buffer of $100.

this doesn’t include our Christmas budget. We will also card gas and formula.

I’m getting excited to try and do it.

we had been spending $80/week on groceries, and $40/week on eating out. We’ve decided to be much more frugal in our dates. So we’ll have a regular date night on Tuesday involving sonice dollar burgers and grocery shopping. Then maybe. Sams Saturday date involving $1.50 hotdog combos and samples. Bringing our eat out totals to $6(assuming j eats 2 burgers at sonic) so with the remaining $14 we can either save up for two weeks and go out to eat at a nicer place, or buy some nice food to cook at home. I know we have a date planned for December 22nd which will likely be $40 ish so we’ll have to plan for that too.

So, we’re trying it. Those are my real numbers. We may fail, but we’re trying to tighten our belts and save like crazy for a car or 2.

I’m doing recon today and tomorrow at sams club and gfs in preparation for our new frugality.

thanksgiving was my favorite.

I loved thanksgiving. It was family time without presents. But today is our first thanksgiving since what my dad so appropriately refers to as the tragedy. Its getting hard. My niece was exactly 363 days older than Calvin. So as he is experiencing his first thanksgiving, I can’t help but remember last thanksgiving. I was so excited and thankful for my little boy who was cooking safely inside my womb, and would be out in five short weeks. And so it really made me focus on my nieces first thanksgiving. And all I could think was that this time next year, we were going to have a kid that age. And now, we’re there. And she’s not. I’m so thankful for our time with them, but I also feel robbed. I know the rest of my life will be so worth living, but a part of me just wants to fast forward the next 70 years. I think mainly because I can’t comprehend 70 years without my brother. Especially when compared to the 25 I had with him.

I have so many things to be thankful for. But there is this big grey storm cloud that is kinda there.

doing better

last time I posted, I was going to crazy. This fall I was in a bible study and they talked about how powerful a prayer journal can be. I’m not a journaler. I’m not even a very good blogger these days. But I gave it a shot. The power of writing down specific sin that I need help with, wow, that’s humbling. To have them written, in pen, in my journal, sitting on my couch, it was scary. But I’ve done it. The main one was being content with what I have and trusting Gods plan for our family. This doesn’t mean we wont seek treatment, but for now, I’m much more relaxed.

I am approaching when I *think* ill be ovulating, but I have no idea really when. My app I use to track my periods alerted me Saturday cd9 that I was entering my fertile phase. I just laughed BC if I’m remembering correctly, the only time I ovulated before cd18 was when we were medicated and I triggered, so I know its possible my body reset itself, it seems unlikely. We’ll have sex when we want to, and that’s perfectly fine with me.

I have a problem

I’m obsessed with TTC. And I’m only on my first period of my first cycle. Seriously. Its all consuming. I made this big deal about how we’re just going to take it easy, and try like we can get pregnant on our own. No tracking, no opks, no temping, no specific positions, no monitoring cm, no special lube. And here I am, 5 days in the return of my fertility, and I want to do it all. Like the whole two years of dealing with all the infertility has ruined my ability to just try like a normal person.

I called my RE. She said there is no minimum time we have to try on our own before we get help. I asked if I needed to have another HSG or bloodwork. And she said probably not HSG, and probably bloodwork, but she’ll discuss that with us when we come in. I asked if there was a wait to get in, like if I needed to call 6 weeks out from when I wanted to get testing(which would probably be a cycle before we would do anything.) She said, I’m an established patient so I’ll just call and they’ll schedule a 30 minute chat time with her to discuss what needs to be done.

So now I wanna go in January. Here me out, for financial reasons, I would love to get this all (pregnant, especially if it’ll require treatments, and birthing) within the same insurance year so if we meet our deductible in conception, baby will be free, kinda thing. So really, if I get my way(which I know I am not entitled to anything here, and I’ll happily take a baby whenever) we have until mid April to conceive. But here’s another quite selfish thing. I don’t want to conceive in April, because that’ll give us a late December baby(again.) and we can’t handle that. My brother and SIL’s baby was due December 27th, Calvin’s birthday is December 30th, my niece’s birthday was 1/1, and my brother’s birthday was 1/3(should this be was? or is? Like it is still they day of their births, but they are no longer alive to celebrate.) So really, that timing isn’t ideal. So much that if we aren’t pregnant by then, we’ll probably take that month off.

But really, I just need to calm down. I can already see this making me crazy, and consuming my thoughts. And it doesn’t need to. It’s like, because of our TTC journey, I can’t go easy. I can either for 100% all in, track and monitor everything. I don’t know how to be relaxed about it. I just go crazy. I’ve asked Joe for extra grace because I’m trying to figure out what it means to just try again. Like how we tried June-October 2012. But that was a whole different me. That was a me excited to start our family(which I still am excited to grow our family.) A me who hadn’t lost a baby, a me who hadn’t gone through fertility treatments to get her baby. A me who didn’t wake up scared everyday that I was losing my baby. A me who didn’t have crazy bleedy bleedy cervix. A me who had never imagined I would lose my brother, sil, neice, and their growing baby in a tragic accident. A me who didn’t realize truly how short life it.

So, I ‘m trying to relax. but Its hard.


And my period is here. So…i think ill give it til Feb to fall pregnant on my own, then go see my RE. I guess technically this past month counts ttc right? If we’re being technical, BC we didn’t protect(I’m counting it fyi) so it’ll be Oct, Nov, Dec, Jan. Four months. Seems reasonable to me, right?

so it took me 50 hours after my last time nursing to start my period. Hopefully its not too painful or heavy.

Weaned and sore boobies

Yesterday morning, after Calvin bit me 6 times in 2 minutes, I was done. I busted out a bottle and that’s that. I made it almost 10.5 months, and that’s great with me. But now, its been 54 hours and my BOOBS HURT! I was reading about cabbage leaves, but everywhere I’ve read said not to use if your allergic to sulfa drugs. I can’t find anywhere that explains why, but there’s that. So I’ve taken some aleve, and I’m hoping for the best.


so Calvin id 10+ months old, and I’m weaning him. If you recall, I said I would nurse until it made me crazy. And his busyness and biting is making me crazy. So that’s that. Hes eating three times a day, and the last one was already a bottle. I’ll drop the midday nursing this week, and the morning next week. I’m proud of how long I’ve nursed. I quite enjoyed it more than I thought I would, but I’m looking forward to being able to diet and get my body back. And maybe my period so we can get Calvin a brother or sister. Who knows.