I have a problem

I’m obsessed with TTC. And I’m only on my first period of my first cycle. Seriously. Its all consuming. I made this big deal about how we’re just going to take it easy, and try like we can get pregnant on our own. No tracking, no opks, no temping, no specific positions, no monitoring cm, no special lube. And here I am, 5 days in the return of my fertility, and I want to do it all. Like the whole two years of dealing with all the infertility has ruined my ability to just try like a normal person.

I called my RE. She said there is no minimum time we have to try on our own before we get help. I asked if I needed to have another HSG or bloodwork. And she said probably not HSG, and probably bloodwork, but she’ll discuss that with us when we come in. I asked if there was a wait to get in, like if I needed to call 6 weeks out from when I wanted to get testing(which would probably be a cycle before we would do anything.) She said, I’m an established patient so I’ll just call and they’ll schedule a 30 minute chat time with her to discuss what needs to be done.

So now I wanna go in January. Here me out, for financial reasons, I would love to get this all (pregnant, especially if it’ll require treatments, and birthing) within the same insurance year so if we meet our deductible in conception, baby will be free, kinda thing. So really, if I get my way(which I know I am not entitled to anything here, and I’ll happily take a baby whenever) we have until mid April to conceive. But here’s another quite selfish thing. I don’t want to conceive in April, because that’ll give us a late December baby(again.) and we can’t handle that. My brother and SIL’s baby was due December 27th, Calvin’s birthday is December 30th, my niece’s birthday was 1/1, and my brother’s birthday was 1/3(should this be was? or is? Like it is still they day of their births, but they are no longer alive to celebrate.) So really, that timing isn’t ideal. So much that if we aren’t pregnant by then, we’ll probably take that month off.

But really, I just need to calm down. I can already see this making me crazy, and consuming my thoughts. And it doesn’t need to. It’s like, because of our TTC journey, I can’t go easy. I can either for 100% all in, track and monitor everything. I don’t know how to be relaxed about it. I just go crazy. I’ve asked Joe for extra grace because I’m trying to figure out what it means to just try again. Like how we tried June-October 2012. But that was a whole different me. That was a me excited to start our family(which I still am excited to grow our family.) A me who hadn’t lost a baby, a me who hadn’t gone through fertility treatments to get her baby. A me who didn’t wake up scared everyday that I was losing my baby. A me who didn’t have crazy bleedy bleedy cervix. A me who had never imagined I would lose my brother, sil, neice, and their growing baby in a tragic accident. A me who didn’t realize truly how short life it.

So, I ‘m trying to relax. but Its hard.


3 thoughts on “I have a problem

  1. Same. I managed to not try when I got pregnant with Levi but only because I knew we would be doing ivf soon so it took the pressure off. I’m back to trying again and I’ve become obsessive again. It ruins my life so I think next month I will refuse to opk etc. It’s not going to be easy, I will tell you that. But I can’t let it run my life again. Especially since we don’t want to pursue treatment again. 😦

  2. I hear you on all of this. I went from bc pills last month to Femara this month. I am still deciding if we’re going to get the FET process going next cycle or the one after that.

    It think infertility really does a number on us and it’s hard to just try to “let it happen”.

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