Monthly Archives: May 2016

Presumed fertile

Joe and I went to eat at McAllister’s deli(kids eat free m-th!) With Calvin and Peanut. We sat outside next to a family with three children. We didn’t interact much. A couple times their kids interacted with Calvin. We all ended up leaving at the same time and Joe made a comment. Something to the next extent of, gotta load up these mountains of children. To which the other mom said. Just wait til you have another and you’re out numbered, and the dad said, at the rate you’re going that’ll be what like another year. And just like that, we were presumed fertile. Peanut looks similar enough to us that he could be ours, and Calvin.

I loved it. My immediate response was just to bask in the presumption of fertility. Like a fairytale.

Then I thought about how within another year, we could conceive. And to the outsider looking in, who doesn’t know us, or our story, we would be presumed super-fertile. In reality we are dealing with infertility.

It’s been eight months TTC #3(initially it was #2, but that’s not where the next baby will fall in birth order.) With two cycles of bringing out the big guns that got us Calvin. Ideally, I don’t want to conceive right now, but we aren’t going to stop trying, BC I can’t convince myself to take time off. We’ll likely do some more treatment in November or december if we haven’t conceived.

Peanut update, he will be ours forever. I’m 99.5% certain now. Court is June 15, idk what to expect, they won’t tpr just yet, but it could be as soon as July.

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Reality chexk

We’re still in survivor mode for the most part of here. Just feeling a bit more rested than before. Peanut has given us a couple of 5 hour stretches at night, not a whole lot, but enough to where we feel encouraged and that our sleeping will get better.

I am currently cd30. I have been having cramps for the past five days, my boobs have been tender off and on. My unmedicated cycles usually are 35days(is) but I know that coming off of a medicated cycle can do wonky things to my body. this is likely nothing, but I have to admit the thought of this being anything makes me super scared. It would be amazing, but also ridiculous. Just waiting for my period to start.

two kids is hard.

happt mothers day to all. I know it hard to hear if your in the midst of infertility, someone complain about two kids, but its hard.

its hard BC its exhausting, obviously. But I feel an immense amount of guilt over Peanut. We are, with 99% confidence, going to adopt Peanut. And right now I’m all about fake it til you make it. We had always talked about adopting from foster care, and I’d told Joe that by the time that subject was even broached, we would have had months and months of bonding. But it seems that way, and has seemed that way from day 1. And we haven’t had that bonding. Then throw in that Peanut is a newborn baby blob(just like he’s supposed to be) it makes it more difficult. So right now, we love on him, tell him that we love him, kiss, him, cuddle him, hug him, sing to him songs saying “momma loves you, daddy loves you” BC I know we will someday. But right now we’re going through the motions. It’ll get easier as we have more time, and as he becomes more interactive.

some mommas birth babies and don’t feel and immediate connection right?

but I feel guilty, that there wasn’t some instant love. I care deeply for him, and don’t want anything bad to happen, and would love for him to be ours forever, but right now, we’re still getting to know him, and adjust to our new familial norm.