Category Archives: idolatry

Things that happened today.

Today is 21 days from my miscarriage. And the second time I was instructed to take a home pregnancy test and call if it was positive. I took one this morning. It was positive enough that if I was trying to get pregnant, I wouldn’t need a second opinion, but definitely lighter that last weeks. I called my doctors office, who they said I need to come in for a quant HCG blood draw. I was already out that way hanging out with my mom and younger brothers fiance. We met my dad for lunch, and then afterwards I went in to get the draw. Draw was taken, and while back there, I asked the lady “once my HCG levels are back to not pregnant, I should then get my period correct.” And the lady said yes, not immediately, but my period should be on the way. I am suppose to get a call tomorrow with the number, I’m hoping for 10. Enough to show up on a FRER, but ALMOST not pregnant (I believe not pregnant is <5.)

ALSO, I am not officially on Joseph’s insurance. Which may not mean much to other people, but…JOSEPH’S INSURANCE HAS INFERTILITY COVERAGE!!!!!!!! Not enough to do anything crazy, but a lot more than my $0. It’s lifetime max is $5000. But enough that I’m not going to feel super guilty about going to see an RE.

WHICH, I schedule today! I have a fertility specialist appointment scheduled for October 22nd. It is a ways away, but VERY excited. I also made the appointment with the doctor I wanted. I think this is the doctor my ob referred me to, but when I called back to their office, the checkout lady told me someone different (I really think she just opened the book ad gave me the first fertility specialist she saw.)

I have decided to start taking charge of my health. This means, I want a doctor who can genuinely help me, as in will answer my phone calls, not put me on hold for 40+ minutes, and specializes in getting people pregnant.  I really like my doctor, and I really like the nurse practitioner I’ve been working with. But if I have any questions or need to talk to them, it is like I am the biggest inconvenience, not to them, but to the aides, and desk clerks that answer their phone. So that is what I am doing.

Also bought the book “gods at war” by Kyle Idleman (who is the teaching pastor at my church) which discusses idols. And as seen in my a previous post (Reasons.) I think that getting pregnant is an idol for me, so I’m hoping through the book, and the study my small group will be doing, I will get more insight on how to combat the idolatry in my life.

Overall, great day. Tomorrow I am hoping to work on making this blog cuter. It won’t be done tomorrow, but know, that I am going to quit use wordpress default banners.

Reasons.

So before Joseph and I had found out we were pregnant, we had began looking into adopting or fostering. We both felt like if we weren’t getting pregnant, maybe it was because our child is already out there. I also began feeling like being pregnant was an idol to me. It consumed my thoughts and prayers. That is a very difficult thing to admit and wrap my head around. Money can be an idol, a job can be an idol, but having a baby!? That can’t be an idol. But it is/was my idol. God isn’t going to bless idolatry. We had discussed this many times in small group. So being consumed with getting pregnant and having a baby, I feel, was a reason we weren’t getting pregnant. I had been feeling this way for awhile, so at the beginning of August I contacted several adoption agencies, inquired about foster care in the area, and began reading adoption/foster blogs.

Well, in the middle of all these phone calls and such, I fell pregnant, and I immediately stopped all adoption/foster care thoughts. I was, once again, consumed by pregnancy and baby thoughts. I was planning nurseries, pinteresting baby clothes, digitally window shopping babies R Us. It immediately became an idol to me. God doesn’t bless idols. And we lost the baby.

This is difficult to voice because so many people blame God for the loss of a pregnancy. I am not blaming God, I am blaming myself, for turning away from God. We were doing what we were called to do, we were making steps towards uniting our family, the family God has already planned for us, and as soon as I got what I picture being our family, I backed away from the familyless child/ren that is waiting for us.

Last night we went to a foster care orientation meeting, I’m ready to commit to God’s plan for our family, whatever that may be. We are just trying to figure out that plan.

Whoever receives one little child like this in My name receives Me. (Matthew 18:5)