Category Archives: miscarriage

Cousins

My angel baby was joined today by a cousin. My older brother’s girlfriend miscarried today. This is the 2nd person close to me who has miscarried after I have. I had a good friend miscarry before we lost out baby, and you just don’t understand. I didn’t.  It isn’t a bad thing. And in fact, after the immediate devastating grief, I was a little thankful the pain I was experiencing wasn’t understand by more people close to me. I was thankful that they never had to experience the grief of losing a child. A child whose tomorrow’s will never happen.

Today, getting the text from my brother brought back all the raw emotions of the initial loss. He and his girlfriend lost their child. I lost a niece or nephew.

It really is very similar to this.

I’m sorry my brother and his girlfriend had to join the club today.

Mothers day is still hard.

Despite the fact that I am pregnant. Mothers day is still hard. We went to church last night, and the sermon was great. At the beginning of the service they asked all the mothers to stand up and we prayed for them. But his prayer started out by praying for all the women who’s hearts so longed to be able to stand up on this day. I cried.

Our latest series has been on Ruth, yesterday was the last sermon in the series, and it was discussed how Ruth gave birth to a son, and Naomi bitterness dissipated. How a baby changes everything. Through Ruth and Boaz came Obed, who was the grandfather to David. Who was the great25-grandfather of Jesus.

Our preacher went on to say, a baby changes everything, but sometimes, that baby isn’t this side of heaven.

This resonated with me. My baby, who made me a mother, I will never meet until I’m called Home. And this baby, who I pray fervently that Joseph and I will get to meet in 34 weeks, may be destined to join their sibling, if that isn’t what God has planned for us, then we’ll continue on.

Miscarriage isn’t what we planned. We didn’t forsee it. It doesn’t make any sense. But I am confident that it will all be used to glorify my God.

Applications are started

Well, I have enjoyed the last year. Just subbing around, watching some kiddos, sleeping in when I felt like it. And it has been wonderful for my spiritual and emotional well being. Dealing with infertility and teaching I think would have been too much this year. Not even including the fact that I miscarried the first week of school, so that would have been NUTS. But the school year and drawing to an end, which means that positions are becoming available, so my resume starts going out again.

Its going to be difficult to go back to work, especially if we have some kiddos in our home, but I know it’s the best thing for us to do.

But it kinda makes me sad.

Living in Psalm 13

1 How long, Lord? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?

3 Look on me and answer, Lord my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death,
4 and my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

5 But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
6 I will sing the Lord’s praise,
for he has been good to me.

It is so easy to live in the first four verses. But I am choosing to live in the last two. My Lord has been good to me, through all of this craziness, He is good. I am not forgotten, I am not alone. In His time, my family will be realized.

When doing the deed hurts…

I’m ovulating. It just so happens that I chose this week to get my butt into gear and start getting fit. I’ve been hitting the gym every morning and I’m SORE. So sore, Joseph has had to physically help my sit up when I’m laying down. I love it.

But what I didn’t predict is how the soreness and muscle exhaustion was going to effect our baby making. I will say I have powered through, but (Buzz’s girlfriend) woof, I hurt.

I am currently debating whether or not to start progesterone. My progesterone is low(I think a 7.9, but I’m too lazy to look it up.) Plus my early miscarriage, I have some so I’m kinda thinking why the heck not?

Also, we’re going out of town this weekend. Specifically to drink German beer and shop for Swedish furniture. It should be wonderful.

Also, a sweet dear friend of my in totally knocked up. In a great happy for them way.

Thank you ladies.

I can’t say thank you enough.

Friday was rough. It was 6 months since our confirmed miscarriage. It was the end of our 21st FAILED cycle. And I was down(as I’m fairly certain was evident from my post.)

I had a super intense cry. A great holding time with Joseph. Woke up Saturday with swollen eyes from crying to a new day. We will have our family.

Rainbow family

As I was driving home, listening to worship music, I saw a rainbow. I starting crying. Sobbing tears of joy. Because I know we are going through this devastating, terrible, nightmare of a storm trying to conceive. But I also now, the storm will end, and we will have our rainbow. Which doesn’t belittle the struggle and pain we have gone through, it just proves that despite all the pain, beautiful good things can happen and will happen for us.

I am confident Joseph and I will have several kids. Larger than the average American family. I am confident we will love all of our kids the same, no matter how they came into this world. I am eager to have a child in my arms to love and to hold. And I know we will have some kiddos this year.

The storm isn’t over, but our rainbows are on their way.

Ten things about my struggle with infertility.

So my sweet friend K reinforced that deleting my facebook was the greatest idea I’ve ever had. Apparently on facebook the new trend is to do “10 things about my pregnancy.” I don’t have a facebook, but I so want to reactivate just to do my list.

1. I am pretty much comfortable with anyone wearing scrubs to stick a phallic shaped camera up my nay-nay(Joseph would be cringing at my reference of my lady bidnis as a nay-nay) if I think it could help with getting pregnant.

2. My sex life is plentiful. Seriously. I kind of take pride in Joseph and I’s relations. Our quantity and quality of relations a month would, I’m sure, put many of my married friends to shame. And seeking medical help has only improved it. Infertility has really helped our intimacy. The sheer frequency of coitus required for 18+ months of trying for a baby requires us to keep things spicy. So suck it, my sex life is better than yours, you stupid fertile.

3. My marriage is strong. Infertility sucks. I wouldn’t wish it on my arch enemy. But Joseph and I have opened up, we communicate effectively and efficiently. We are open about our pain, we cry at our losses, and we laugh more than anything.

4. Our miscarriage was the hardest thing I’ve ever experienced. The loss of our beautiful baby after we had prayed so hard for so long is still unbearble. There isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t think of him. My sweet oldest child.

5. Lube makes things easier. With the amount of intercourse required, and the fact that it is often on demand, we use lube. Everytime( I honestly don’t remember the last time we haven’t needed it, and  I’m amazed at couples who don’t.) We’ve done preseed, but we are currently on Canola Oil. Joseph hates it. He says it turns to sand.

6. The more follicles I have, the higher my libido. I’m at 6 and just want to pounce on Joseph. I suppose we should be taking advantage of this abstaining and partake in other forms of pleasure which we have become less frequent since ttc. (but I’m hoping tomorrow we’ll be greenlighted to go at it like monkeys, and I don’t want to waste his baby juice.)

7. I hold grudges now more than before. When I didn’t know I was infertile, I held grudges. But now that I am infertile, if you are insensitive (and aware of our situation) it will have a lasting affect.

8. 90% of what fertiles say to “comfort” is insensitive. “If we were sister wives, I’d carry your baby for you.” Because you can get pregnant and carry to term and I can’t. Intended to be sweet, but just salt in my wound that is my empty womb.

9. Sometimes when I’m really upset I’ll take a shower. That’s generally ok, until I sit down. I will sit down in a shower and sob convulsively, because my grief and sorrow is so large that’s the only place I can let it go, a scalding hot shower.

10. I would totally try with six follicles. However, my marriage is not an I situation.

Rainbows

Yesterday I saw two rainbows on my way home from church. Today I saw a rainbow on my way to meet Joseph and grocery shop.

Here’s hoping I get a rainbow baby this cycle. Tested out the trigger today 9dpo. I may not test tomorrow, or I may.

Feeling hopeful, but also getting nervous that I’ll be crushed this cycle.