Category Archives: Relationships

The issue with going public.

I have no issues sharing my journey with anyone. Well anyone except one person, but that’s a story for another day. I have used our real names on this blog. There are pictures of my husband and myself in this blog. I’m not really doing this anonymously, yet in my every day life, only two people know about this blog. One of which I don’t think ever checks it, which is fine. But why don’t I want more people in my life to read this blog? Because of the expectations. I talk about my cycle, when I’m ovulating, if we’re doing medicated cycles when my appts are and such. And I don’t want many people in my life to run into me at Kroger right after a follicle scan and ask me about it. I don’t want to go to family gatherings(which frequently happen on the day my period is due for some terrible reason) and have everyone wondering if my pregnancy test is finally positive.

A I don’t want the judgement. Many women in my family and life are blessed enough to be fertile. To not have to try. Meaning no opks, no temping, no regular vaginal ultrasounds. So as supportive as they may be, they aren’t able to understand why I spend hundreds of dollars a cycle. They want to tell me to quit testing at all, just wait til my period doesn’t show. Or maybe I’m really reasons too hard. All of these are reasons I don’t want my friends and family to know this blog.

 

because I don’t want to deal with educating these people. Because I feel like it is their job to seek out education. I’m resentful of how little people actually know. And why the heck don’t the care enough to learn more?

Support.

I am overwhelmed with the support we have received from online ladies(what up!), friends, and family. This isn’t the “traditional” way to start our family, and even though we are willing to love on our future kiddos forever, we may only get a few weeks with the, but just the support, encouragement, and willingness to help from everyone has been so amazing.

(Warning: Husband brag)

I am particularly grateful for Joseph through this whole process. He is listening to my nursery plans, and (semi) willingly indulging me talking about projects I’d like to do. And just being supportive. I still cry and get upsets about our empty womb, and miss our baby, but he is so kind and supportive through all of this. I am so thankful to have him as my partner in crime. I couldn’t ask for a better man to love me, support me, and one day parent with me.

New path

We have been on this journey to parenthood for 20 months now. It had lead us through heartbreak, frustrations, and disappointment. It has lead us to a greater faith, hope, understanding, and compassion. Today we continue our journey but on a new path.

We have spent months praying over this path, months preparing for this path, and today we take our first step.

I am so thankful for this whole journey, and the people God has placed in our lives. He used some great couples, who have experienced infertility and came out the other side, to open our hearts to the children who already need a home. I am so overwhelming thankful for Joseph and his heart for the kids in the foster system.

Allons-y!

Stages of grief and how it pertains to infertility.

Everyone knows of the 5 stages of grief.

1. Denial.

2. Anger.

3. Bargaining.

4. Depression.

5. Acceptance.

I feel like I go through these emotions on a daily basis. But overall I would say I just transitioned into the anger phase. I’ve been so hopeful it would happen for us, ya know denial. But now I am just angry.

I am angry that we aren’t holding a 9 month old in our hands(ya know, because that is what we planned for.) I am angry that we didn’t find out the gender of our baby this past Tuesday, because that is when we would have had we not lost him. I’m angry that we don’t have great infertility coverage. I am angry that we need infertility coverage in the first place. I am angry that people get pregnant like its not big deal. I am angry that people, who know we are struggling with infertility, haven’t done any basic googling about how to interact with infertiles. I am angry that nobody in our families can understand. I am angry that in 5 weeks I’m going to be a aunt for the first time on my side of the family. I am angry that my life plan isn’t going to happen. I am angry because adoption cost so much. I am angry that foster care has so many variables. I am angry that my RE wouldn’t see me yesterday. I am angry when people tell me “it’ll happen” or “you’re next.” I am angry that all of this makes me angry.

Thanks.

I know I use this blog alot as a way to vent frustrations over infertility, but u truly have so much in my life to be thankful for.
I’m thankful for:
– the sacrifice of Jesus and the promise of pain free, infertility free, diabetes free life with Him.
– for our baby. Even though we lost him, I’m thankful he made us parents, even for such a short time. I can’t wait to meet him one day.
– Joseph. He is the greatest husband I could ever ask for, and he makes me a better person and wife. His love is so overwhelming its wonderful to feel so secure when the rest of my world seems like it is falling apart.
– internet pals. With the ladies here in the blogosphere and the ladies on tww, I wouldn’t have the support system I do. They encourage me when I’m up, and listen and reaffirm my feelings when down.
– medicine. While both Joseph and I are disappointed our bodies don’t do what they should on their own, I’m thankful for medicine, and all our doctors, through which Joseph is still here(and will be for a long time) and we have a chance at having a child.
– Family. These past 18 month I have pulled away some from our families because our families are fertile, but since the miscarriage, we have been much more open about our struggles. It doesn’t necessarily fix things, and often they don’t know what to say, but it’s nice to have a family who is aware of what’s going on in our lives.
– Our friends. This area of relationships is difficult because all of my friends are fertile, and in the midst of growing/starting their family. But I am still thankful for them, and super thankful many of them don’t struggle with infertility, and haven’t had a loss and I pray that continues. Specifically I am super thankful for my friend K in Texas, she has been my sounding board since the miscarriage. I’ve texted her pics of pre sticks for second opinions, and she has been so supportive and helpful.
– Amy and Rocky. They are the sweetest, most caring, and understanding couple. They were the first to know about our baby, and straight up prayed for us then and thee. I know they have been praying for us for through out this whole journey, and we can feel it. Even in those moments if devastation, We can feel God and His presence , His encouragement, and His promise.
– Our small group. Though not all of them quite know or understand everything we are going through, many of them have personal stories of infertility, and they are so helpful. They have shown how God has a plan for our family, it might not match up with our idea, but He will provide the children we are to love and parent.

We’re in Holland.

My sweet amazing friend Amy and I went out to dinner last night. And I did a lot of complaining about how Joseph and I aren’t pregnant, and how we are trying to realign our dreams, that we’ve had for years, with our reality, that we are infertile. She is an audiologist and told me of this little poem that she uses to give to new parents when they find out they’re perfect baby will never hear on his own. I think it is meant for parents of a child with a disability, but I feel like it it our exact situation. Anyone trying for longer than expected can understand this feeling.

Just change that first sentence to “I am often asked to describe the experience of being infertile.”

WELCOME TO HOLLAND

by
Emily Perl Kingsley.

c1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights reserved Found here

I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability – to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It’s like this……

When you’re going to have a baby, it’s like planning a fabulous vacation trip – to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It’s all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, “Welcome to Holland.”

“Holland?!?” you say. “What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I’m supposed to be in Italy. All my life I’ve dreamed of going to Italy.”

But there’s been a change in the flight plan. They’ve landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven’t taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It’s just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It’s just a different place. It’s slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you’ve been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around…. and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills….and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy… and they’re all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say “Yes, that’s where I was supposed to go. That’s what I had planned.”

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away… because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But… if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn’t get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things … about Holland.

Infertile pals.

I hate infertility. I hate that nobody in my life can really relate to where I’m at. (I have some people in my life who struggled with infertility for years, several IVFs etc. but I’m not there yet.)

Until I got on the internet. I am SO INCREDIBLY thankful for all of the ladies I have met through TWW.com, and blogging. It has been such a God-send. I am following several blogs of ladies who are at different stages of trying to conceive. Even though I have never met them, I am truly invested in their journey. I pray for them regularly. I hold my breath in anticipation when I log on knowing someone is suppose to be testing. I exclaim(loudly) and cheer when I hear about a BFP (which makes Joseph think I’m crazy because I’ll be shouting “screenname/bloggerhandle is pregnant!” Seriously, using my blog name it’d be like “WaitingOnOurWelcome is pregnant!!!!” And he thinks I’m crazy.)

I cry with their disappointments, I pray for their happiness. I love hearing how other women deal with infertility, and how it has made them stronger, more faithful, and loving.

Where would I be without them?

Clomid round 3. Post mortem

CD1- I can hardly contain my excitement. Called my RE to get my perscription.

CD2- still really excited.

CD3- picked up prescriptions for 100 mg of clomid, estrogen patches, high dose folic acid, and progesterone suppliments. Took first clomid to night.

Fast forward and today is CD8. Last night was my last clomid pill. Today is my first day on the estrogen patch. I’ve had some hot flashes in the last 36 hours or so. I have also been super emotional. Just down, one minute, and up the next. I’m unpredictable. I suppose these could be considered mood swings, but I’m not being super aggressive or mean to Joseph. But I’m sure he’d love it if I was done crying for a while. Also I have had some blurred vision (which is exacerbated by the fact hat I REFUSE to wear my glasses, I’m going to get contacts next week. <-I just decided that.)

My right ovary is feeling. Yes that’s how I’m describing it. Is feeling. My left is feeling as well, but not as prominent as my right. So maybe that’s like two awesome sized follies on the right, and 1 on the left. I’d take it.

I subbed today which helped pass the day. Tomorrow I’m hanging out with some friends, then FOLLICLE SCAN 9 AM WEDNESDAY MORNING!!! I don’t know why, but it feels like Christmas. Joseph is going to come with me, he’s got to get some blood work done for his own endo appt. So we’ll leave the house early(because he has to fast) get his blood drawn. pick up some breakfast, then go scan some follicles. I imagine that he’ll go back to work, but he did say he may take it off. He always takes off the last two weeks or so of the year, but he still has 2 more days. So he may take one this week. Who knows.

Emotionals.

Warning: I am on day 2 of 100 mg clomid.

1. Today I subbed for fourth grade at a small private school that my dear friends mom works at. She came up with her precious son who’s a little over a year old. She brought him up in his costume. And she peeks in the classroom and I can see the slightest baby bump. If you didn’t know, you wouldn’t know, but I know. I know that if I hadn’t lost my baby I’d have that exact same slight baby bump. Her baby is due 1 day after mine was. And she’ll have hers in 24 short weeks, and mine is a lifetime away.

2. My other dear friend sent me the sweetest email. Just a quick note

Hey Tor!  I thought you might enjoy this blog post. It touched me and I wanted to share. 🙂 Love you and miss you!
http://lettersfromaramblingmomma.wordpress.com/2013/10/30/wonderfully-made/

I read and sobbed. She put into words what I haven’t been able to. It also touched me that my sweet friend, who has never had a loss(and I pray never experiences one.) recognizes this pain. My baby was real, I am a mother, I just have to be at peace knowing my baby is waiting for his mommy and daddy to meet him in heaven.

3. Adoption is hard! I would love to adopt a baby tomorrow. Financially we are not in a position to adopt, yet. But even if we were, we don’t meet most countries eligibility guidelines. Ya know, you have to be over 30, or married for 10 years, some countries is 35 year olds (That’s ten more years.) But what kills me is those countries where you have to be 30+ you can have up to three divorces per spouse…wait…what?! Over 30+ but unable to carry on a stable relationship. I don’t condone divorce, but one? Okay, still adopt. THREE? Clearly you have some relationship issues. And Joseph and I are sitting here, and I know many other couples are in the same place as us, in a happy, committed, monogamous relationship for the last 7 years, married for the last 3.5. We are going to do foster care, we just can’t start that until February, and I’ve got the baby bug.