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Oh wow

I have followed Ellie and Jared since January 2013. I have watched their story unfold. They have been a comfort for me specifically as I was going through all of this, and I still watch their daily vlogs. (and we have super similar name choices, their second is named Calvin, they just got a dog named Penny, which would have been Calvin’s name if he was a girl…) Any who, they are giving away an IVF cycle to a couple who needs it, there’s an application to fill out, and a 2 minute video you have to submit, but I just wanted to put this out there. They are real people, who are doing amazing things with the blessings they have been given.

What’s wrong with my hormones?!

Last cycle was 40 days. Today, cd16, I’m spotting, to the extent that I wouldn’t be surprised if af shows tomorrow. What in the world??! I have also had a constant headache like daily for 10+ days. Hormones seem to make the most sense. We technically don’t want to conceive until November at the earliest, so I’m not super stressed, but it is frustrating.

Baby clothes

When we were pregnant with Calvin, several of our friends had just had their last baby, three of which were boys. So we got hand me downs. And I just kept them all. We’ve now had three newborns in our house, and I have used a very small subset of the clothes. This didn’t stop at the newborn clothes either. Just two months ago I received three garbage bags full of hand me downs size 12mo-2T. And I just through them in the basement.

Now, we have started the process of finishing the basement. And by started I mean we have the layout planned, and my FIL built me shelves so we can organize and clean. We’ll buy lumber for framing in the next couple weeks. But on nap today I sorted through baby clothes. 

I ended up saving about 6-10 outfits per size in Addition to all the clothes I’ve made or embroidered on. I also have a big ole garbage bag to give to Goodwill, and another bag and a half of things I’m going to post on a local Facebook mama swap kinda thing and see if I can get some $. 

It ended up taking about 3 hours, so Joe had to entertain Calvin outside or in his room bc I had taken over the living room. All in all. We had a pretty successful day.

Joe is going to go work tomorrow. His rash looks pretty bad, but the bumps he had yesterday don’t hurt, but the new ones today hurt alot. So hopefully he’ll be on the down hill slope here soon.

We still have peanut.

There are two “relatives” interested in Peanut. Paternal grandparents just had the home eval yesterday and we’re denied. There is another couple who are interested, and they’re the reason for the quotations. Without getting into too many specifics, I’m just not sure that a judge would place peanut there. We have court Wednesday, and I think in going to go, gotta figure out childcare.
Also Calvin, and Joe have hand foot and mouth. Calvin us mostly better(his started a week ago) Joe is right in the thick of things G’s, his started three days ago. Woof. 

Where the f is af?!

Cd39. Four negative pregnancy tests( well to curve handled frer with likely evaps over a week ago. Two bfn 88 cent Walmarts since.) My longest cycle since I started tracking in Feb 2011 has been 37 days. Even my first cycle after our miscarriage. I don’t feel like it’s coming on either. I’ve been wearing my sexiest skimpiest panties and light colors dresses/bottoms for days. Just temping it. And nothing. Great. Bring on the bleeding already!


Age: 28(J is techincally 27 and 50 weeks, but we’ll call him 28)

DX: Unexplained infertility

Took 23 for #1 including 8 rounds of ovulation stimulation drug(6 clomid, 1 femara) got pg the first time we did clomid + iui.

Cycle came back October 2015. TTC #2 ever since. We’ve done 2 clomid + iui (January 2016 with 2 follicles, March 2016 with 4, great sperm count – 60,000,000+ post wash) BFN. We have been ttc the old fashioned way  ever since. So we’re at 10 month TTC #2.

I’m not ready to go back to the RE yet, waiting for things to settle with Peanut. I’m thinking I’d like to go back in November. Am I ridiculous for wanting to maybe talk about injectables? Both IUI’s this time my lining has taken a pretty substantial hit. I just want to know. I’m not sure if my RE is going to want to do another clomid iui, but I’m hesistant bc I feel like we’re just wasting money, and injectables is going to cost more, both for medication, and monitoring. So…what do you think?

10 months and broken

We have officially been TTC #2/3 for 10 months. I’ve kept pretty good spirits so far. With the seconf failureof our iui we got our foster baby peanut who has kept me busy, but now it’s been 10 months, and I’m not pregnant. And I’m disappointed. I just was hopeful that it would be easier the second time around. It isn’t. It isn’t easier to conceive or to deal with infertility. I still feel like my body is failing me. I feel like I want to run more tests. To figure out why we struggle. But we’ve run the tests, they’re all fine.

When I wasexplaining this to Joe, he asked if Calvin wasn’t enough. Which if peanut goes home and Calvin was our one and only miracle, he is enough. But as long as I am not menopausal, I will always hope that there is a way I could get pregnant. And then always be disappointed when I’m not. We may go get a second opinion, but I like my doctor. So we may not. I definitely want to do some treatment again, maybe in October, November and December. Then take a break again. Idk, but this infertility can wreck you.

Three hundred and sixty five.

Days. Since they took their last breath.
I can’t believe it’s been a year. Truthfully the last time I aw them was fathers day 2015, but earlier this morning, 1:33am to be exact, was the moment they were hit. I remember a year ago, I woke up at 1:30am, and couldn’t fall back asleep. I wonder if that is because I had to be awake as my brother, his fiancée, and my niece took their last breath. 
There is so much I want to share about their demise, so you all can truly grasp the inhumanity of it, but I don’t think it’d be the best legally.
I was unprepared. I shouldhace have had a bath bomb. I declared July 11th from here on out requirea a bath bomb, doctor who and wine.

It is hard to comprehend, the amount of heartache I still have, I thought it would be different, but it is just as raw.

Fathers day

It’s fathers day, and I’ve had a storm cloud hovering over the celebration. A year ago today is the last day i saw my brother, his fiancée, and niece. And I’ve sobbed, and cried, and have been miserable wife.

I want to celebrate my husband, bc he is an amazing father to Calvin. But being able and willing to step up and be a father to the fatherless. Amazing. He is leading our family with focus on our eternal home, and I’m so thankful. He is the greatest. He shows me Christ every day. He extends grace to me and the boys even when we don’t deserve it. He is the greatest. And I’m so thankful Calvin, Peanut, and I get to call him ours.

Presumed fertile

Joe and I went to eat at McAllister’s deli(kids eat free m-th!) With Calvin and Peanut. We sat outside next to a family with three children. We didn’t interact much. A couple times their kids interacted with Calvin. We all ended up leaving at the same time and Joe made a comment. Something to the next extent of, gotta load up these mountains of children. To which the other mom said. Just wait til you have another and you’re out numbered, and the dad said, at the rate you’re going that’ll be what like another year. And just like that, we were presumed fertile. Peanut looks similar enough to us that he could be ours, and Calvin.

I loved it. My immediate response was just to bask in the presumption of fertility. Like a fairytale.

Then I thought about how within another year, we could conceive. And to the outsider looking in, who doesn’t know us, or our story, we would be presumed super-fertile. In reality we are dealing with infertility.

It’s been eight months TTC #3(initially it was #2, but that’s not where the next baby will fall in birth order.) With two cycles of bringing out the big guns that got us Calvin. Ideally, I don’t want to conceive right now, but we aren’t going to stop trying, BC I can’t convince myself to take time off. We’ll likely do some more treatment in November or december if we haven’t conceived.

Peanut update, he will be ours forever. I’m 99.5% certain now. Court is June 15, idk what to expect, they won’t tpr just yet, but it could be as soon as July.