Category Archives: unexplained

What infertility has taught me.

1. God is in control. My sweet friend Amy said that she never really had to come to terms with that until she started trying to concieve. And now with her three precious children, it is something that she understand more and more with each passing day.

Elizabeth stone says “Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.”

2. God uses all things for His glory and to further His kingdom. When we first were married, I wanted nothing more than to have a family with Joseph. I knew I wanted to have his babies, but I also knew that I wanted to adopt. Joseph wasn’t into it. When month 13 rolled around, Joseph told me to do it. Start calling around to adoption agencies, find out more about fostering. I did, we got pregnant, I stopped, we miscarried. What I had learned from those adoption agencies I contacted for over seas adoption, we don’t qualify many places yet(I believe I have ranted on this before.) But we are moving ahead with Fostering. No matter what happens between now and then, we will foster. God has used our infertility to work on Joseph’s heart where now, he is gung ho about fostering some children. I do think we’ll adopt still, but in the time being, we are going to help in any way we can.

3. Patience. And honestly, this one I am struggling with, but I know He is teaching me that His timing is perfect. Anyone who has tried to conceive knows it is full of waiting. You get your period, wait 2 weeks to ovulate. Timing your intercourse as best you can, wait to weeks to see if it worked. We have spent the last 18 months living in 2-3 week segments. Even when we started getting tests, it was having to be patient for the correct timing for the tests to happen. Then it was waiting to start clomid. Then is was holding my breath, waiting for April 19th. Then it was waiting for the miscarriage and bleeding to stop. Then waiting for hormones to level out so we could try again. Then waiting to see the RE. Then waiting to start our first monitored clomid cycle. That’s just with the trying to conceive. Add in our desire to adopt. Well we’re having to wait until we’re old enough, or have been married long enough. Then throw in fostering, which is right now the only thing that is for sure happening, but we’re still having to wait until January for our classes to start. February before we’ve completed them. It’ll probably be March before we could have a child placed with us. My OB told me at my annual, after we had been trying to conceive for 7 months that when you decide to have a baby, you want a baby yesterday. I don’t need instant gratification, but oh how I wish for just some gratification.

4. Look out for yourself. Spiritually the enemy is out their, trying to pull you down. Trying to fill your heart with anger, envy, and depression. Luring you to him instead of our Healer. I have surrounded myself with friends and family who are there to turn me to to Christ in those doomed time. This has included me getting off facebook. I recently was talking to my mom about people being insensitive about their pregnancy/birth around me. And she gave me even more insight. She suggested that I point out to them what I find hurtful. I feel like most of my encounters with someone being insensitive, it is because they are ignorant. This isn’t a snarky comment, just a “As you know, Joseph and I are struggling to conceive, so it hurts me when you complain about your pregnancy.” I understand pregnancy is hard, I understand that giving birth is hard, I understand you probably need to discuss those hardships, just don’t discuss them with me.

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Creative me.

I love making baby gifts. but every time I make baby gifts, I want to make stuff for my baby. Then I remember I don’t have one, and I’m not currently expecting one. I use to think it would freak Joseph out if I was making clothes and accessories for our future child. Now it just seems like I’m counting my chickens before they hatch. I’m not guaranteed a baby, and if feels like if I was to make something it would b taking that baby for granted. Which is something I will never do now. So I’ll keep my baby makings for friends/relative expecting.

Don’t worry, I have several ideas I refuse to make for anyone because I want my baby to have it and not theirs. Hopefully not too much longer, but will I ever get to the point that I am counting on a baby? I feel like I will always have reservations. It will have taken us so long to conceive, then with our prior loss, will I ever be able to plan for a baby?

Just a producer of follicles

That’s me. If you recall I had 14 follicles on my left ovary, and 22 on my right. I don’t really have irregular cycles, so I didn’t meet that criteria. So Dr. Archer tested my testosterone levels and thyroid. Both normal. So I don’t have PCOS, I don’t have a thyroid issue. I’m just really good at producing lots of follicles, but really suck at getting pregnant. So I guess we fall now into the unexplained category. And all the momentum I had just an hour ago is gone. I feel doomed.

Will start clomid Wednesday. Estrogen patches Sunday. Ultrasound Wednesday November 6th.